Hi.

I’m not such a huge big fan of being the mom today.

I don’t even want to utter the two words that are befuddling my everyday life and filling it full of needless motherly stress and guilt. Let’s just say in involves redirecting the bodily fluids of someone small into an appropriate vessel of defecation.

Final score for the day:

Appropriate vessel of defecation- 1

Floor – 1

*sigh*

It doesn’t help that I’m going all out balls on this one and quitting the diaper cold turkey. Day and night. What’s a few more loads of laundry? A spare pair of panties in my purse?

As if it weren’t bad enough that the entire internet announced their overall general state of pregnancy, now it seems the entire internet is also announcing the fact that their children just decided one morning to get their bodily fluids in the right place with no problem.

Either you’re all liars or the world is out to get me.

Or both.

Why haven’t I read a single freak out post yet? HUH? WHY?

Why does nobody write about how exasperating it is that the small person needs a STRICT ORDER TO THINGS? A strict order that is ONLY to be performed by said small person?

I HAVE TO TURN THE LIGHT ON!
I HAVE TO PULL MY PANNIES DOWN!
I HAVE TO GET THE PAPER!
I HAVE TO FLUSH!
I HAVE TO PULL MY PANNIES UP!
I HAVE TO TURN THE WATER ON!
I HAVE TO GET THE SOAP!
I HAVE TO TURN THE WATER OFF!
I HAVE TO GET THE TOWEL!
I HAVE TO THROW IT AWAY!
I HAVE TO TURN THE LIGHT OFF!

Fast forward five minutes.

“MOM! I HAVE TO POTTY!”

Oh.

my.

H-E double hockey sticks.

I know this will all be over in the blink of an eye and I’ll look back someday with warm fuzzy memories and laugh at how wound up I was about this whole thing blah blah blah.

But why does nobody else come clean and tell you that the more independent your child gets the more pain in the rear they get? HUH? WHY DOES NOBODY TELL YOU THIS?

Here goes, the more independent your child gets, the more of a pain they are (only for a bit, thank heavens.) You see, they will want to do EVERYTHING by themselves, and you’re going to have to be the one to teach them how to do everything.

Only you’re not going to be allowed to help them.

At least not until they are a weeping ball of frustration lying on the floor.

And you’ll have to be the one to keep your composure and calmly explain why you can’t pull your skirt over your head and show the checker at Costco that you have Belle on your big girl panties. And then you’ll hear,

“BUT WHY?”

“Because we don’t show our panties in public.”
“BUT WHY?”

“Because they are not for anyone to see but you.”
“BUT WHY?”

“Because we keep our panties and our bums to ourselves.”
“BUT WHY?”

At this point you grind your jaw to avoid bopping your kid in the head or telling horror stories of kidnapped children.

And then you’ll say this, (which you swore you’d never say)

“BECAUSE I SAID SO. THE END.”

And then you realize you’re one step closer to becoming your mean grandma that you hated to go visit because you weren’t allowed to touch any of her stuff and the only thing she knew how to make was macaroni and cheese with lots of pepper.

The older the moosh gets the more I realize how lucky I am my mom didn’t leave me at a roadside fruit stand.

And maybe I’m not infertile, maybe my body has truce with my uterus I’m not in on.

“Uterus, you don’t let her get pregnant, then she won’t get even more bat crap crazy with two kids and I’LL LET YOU LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.”

That’s got to be it.

Comments

  1. YOu want potty storeis from H E double hockey sticks? Go visit this guy’s site, yes you read right, I said GUY. He is a stay at home dad of TWINS! Let’s just say there have been discoveries of “gifts” left behind the sofa!!!!!

    http://www.lookydaddy.com/weblog/

    Adrienne’s last blog post..2 Questions

  2. I would rather give birth with no epidural a million times than potty train again.

    IT SUCKED THOSE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS HARD.

    It is probably the worst experience I have ever had as a mother and I freely admit to chucking multiple packages worth of underwear IN THE OUTSIDE TRASH rather than deal with dealing with the accident aftermath.

    I.hate.excrement.

    Shudder.

    Hugs to you.
    You have my sympathy.

    Loralee’s last blog post..No, no, NO!

  3. Holy crap i am so not looking forward to the whole potty training thing. Thank goodness they make diapers up to adult sizes….so i figure we’ll just go that route until the kid decides he wants to be potty trained on his own…

    Skye’s last blog post..Procrastination

  4. I waited until my son was over 3 before he potty trained. It was sooo much easier to wait until he wanted to train. He wasn’t ready before then, and when he decided he was ready it took him a matter of days to do it.
    I’d rather change diapers then worry about accidents or finding a bathroom in a milisecond everytime we go out.
    Potty training. BLECH.

    LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..Ouch!

  5. Oh we’re on the potty train here, too. K wants to participate but I REFUSE to do two toddlers at once…especially one with hypotonia. It’s going to take her forever.

    There is no switch in this house. M knows when she’s gone…but not when she’s going yet. I’m not brave enough to go with the no-diaper thing yet. Everyone says to do it…but I just don’t have the extra energy to run around all day cleaning up pee and poop.

    Good luck! I hope one of us finds the land of happy potty-success soon!!

    Sadie’s last blog post..Drawing a blank…

  6. I’ve felt your pain. I don’t particularly like potty-training, but it’s the my-way-all-the-time stuff that drains the life out of me.

    Some days, I feel like I spend most of my time measuring my words in order to avoid battles.

    But then, other days, I answer every “why?” asked with relish at opening up their little minds.

    And at the end of the day, when they are finally sleeping peacefully, I remind myself that it’s all gone by so quickly and to enjoy every moment. Even the frustrating ones.

  7. We tried 2x with my son. And both times he was “ready”. And both times sucked. Best method for us was to train in the summer and let him run around naked, or w/ a long t-shirt (and nothing else) on. (And yes, we live in Indy–how’s that to helping make us look like rednecks! We’re not, I promise!) I’m dreading son #2. AND–to make it worse, we only have one bathroom so I have to share a bathroom with the mess that results from not quite aiming well, “Mommy I need to go NOW”, etc. I so wanted to move to a house with two bathrooms before we were at the point to train #2, but it doesn’t appear that will happen.

    Not sure if that helps, but know not everyone had great/easy times and we SO feel your pain!

    Tina’s last blog post..We’re raisin’ a Redneck

  8. Oh my goodness–I forgot my husband wrote that last blog post and the title, until it posted it there. Seriously, we ARE NOT Rednecks! Much (blushing face here).

    Tina’s last blog post..We’re raisin’ a Redneck

  9. Potty training was HELL. Not looking forward to that again (here in the next year). Independence would have been one thing but my oldest son just DID NOT CARE. How can someone not care that they’ve just soiled themselves or they have tinkle running down their leg. HOW??!!

    And don’t get me started on bedwetting.

    Marilyn’s last blog post..This, that and five other things

  10. It sucks. The end.

    If the moosh is anything like my Shortcake it will look something like this: struggle, struggle, struggle, glimmer of hope, serious accident at a totally inopportune time, throwing hands up in defeat and despair, small progress, getting there, OMG I think this is it, backslide, crap (literally), suddenly dry for a week and we didn’t even realize it, done.

    And noone blogs about it because it’s just too painful to relive through even the written word. But when it’s finally all said and done it’s glorious! Hang in there, it will get better (eventually).

    the mrs.’s last blog post..The REAL Rock of Love

  11. I know you don’t agree, but the moosh’s “But why?” is just so cute. I can’t help but laugh at that statement and the frustration that ensues.

  12. You don’t need anymore potty advice from me, but I will join in your consternation at having to explain why things are inappropriate without actually telling them the ugly grown up realities.

    The other day I had to get my 7 year old daughter to stop writhing and twisting while hanging/dancing on a pole next to our booth in Fudruckers. It was so creepy, and I couldn’t just tell her she was dancing like a stripper. I told her it was inappropriate, and that the reasons were grown up and I would tell her when she was old enough. Sheesh. I feel you.

    Rachel Nau’s last blog post..Fashion Tuesday

  13. May I direct you to my VERY first blog post and the entire reason why my blog is called Mommy Going Crazy. I started it in the middle of potty training my little dude. And it sucked! They way I did it though it took him 4 days to get it ALL down. Day and night. he never wore a diaper again. (email me and I can give you more details if you want. My little princess took 2 days.) But yes, it is a BAD time, and no one likes it!
    Here is the link to my first post. Good luck!

    http://mommygoingcrazy.blogspot.com/2006/02/10-reasons-why-mommy-is-going-crazy.html

    Shannon’s last blog post..Blog-Worthy Comments From the Kids.

  14. mommy oh my says:

    “It doesn’t help that I’m going all out balls on this one and quitting the diaper cold turkey. Day and night.”

    Day, okay. Night? Wow… you’re, um, brave. Yeah that’s the word. he he

  15. you said it, sister.

    i remember being afraid to leave the house during those times — too damn complicated and anxiety-producing.

    this too shall pass.

  16. My Mags is very close to the Moosh’s age- and she has no desire to train. In fact- pooping outside of a diaper makes her panic.

    So there you go. I have an untrained 3 year old girl. Who cares? I’m ignoring the weird looks I’m getting fromnursery moms. they do it when they’re good and ready.

    lou’s last blog post..Smell-o-riffic Cocoon Of Yumminess

  17. This post brings back so many emotions and memories. All I can say is that when you potty train your second, you will be much less wound up, and it won’t be such a big deal. At least that is what I am discovering. When I was PT’ing Joth, it was A NIGHTMARE. I went four weeks trying everything, reminding him fifty million times a day not to poop his pants, etc. I finally one day gave up and put him back in diapers. Everytime I changed him I would ask if he wanted to go potty. He never said yes, until one day. One day he said yes, and he went, and he went ever since. Now, I say this now, but potty training involves SO much more, it is still the constant reminder, and to this day, “MOM! Come wipe mine bumm!” and helping wash the hands, etc, etc. I still think it is easier to just change the diaper and get it overwith. Potty training is overrated. But a necessary evil. Sorry, I am rambling, I have a migraine. You are not alone PT’ing sucks…I have a two year old wanting to do it now too. Heaven help me. OH, and the total ending of the post? I think you just explained my life. ‘Cept I have two and the man upstairs knows I will go utterly madd if I have another. Good luck, with everything (I agree with the cold turkey btw…the ONLY way to do it!) Prayers with you.

    Kimmie’s last blog post..M.I.A

  18. Wow, you are a brave woman. I don’t have any kids myself, but I do have three younger brothers and a younger sister… I’ve seen my share of potty training. Good luck and hope you keep your sanity! Also, your new header is AWESOME.

    seven’s last blog post..This is what beautiful looks like.

  19. Dude. Because I said so is totally a reason.

  20. Oh, how I hated pt duty – one of the major life events that made me question my ability to be a mom. Good luck … and as my mother always reminded me: “you don’t see too many kids in high school with diapers”! There is hope…
    PS – love your blog!

  21. It took us 7 months from the first concerted weekend of naked bottoms to the point where he could wrangle his jeans down and up. I still wipe him and he sleeps in a pullup overnight, but he turns 3 tomorrow so I don’t have a problem with that.

    Henny Penny’s last blog post..Auction!

  22. Memphislis says:

    We had a nekkid butt and a potty in every room for the better part of a summer. Don’t forget the carpet cleaner!

  23. “Blink of an eye” my A-double-S!! Monkey is, at this very moment, siting on my lap begininng his morning ritual of “I’m afraid I will poop!” Well let’s go potty. “NOOOO!!” repeat every five seconds for at least two hours until he runs to the hallway, stops, grunts and craps his pants.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Ooh Look! Shiny Things!

  24. Ha. Potty training has yet to really begin here, and Cordy will be three and a half soon. We’ve tried, but she has no interest in that potty. “Do you want to poop in your diaper?” “Yes!”

    Going all out with underwear was a disaster, too. She’d just pee in her underwear without a second thought about it.

    I keep hoping we’ll be able to have her potty trained before kindergarten.

    Christina’s last blog post..Still Running On Fumes

  25. Cold turkey, that is certainly the way to go. Unless that is your kid will hold it ALL day and then flood a swim diaper because that is all that you had left – because you know, those swim diapers are really absorbant! And then, he decides to with hold his poo for three days because he is going to play who has the power.

    But to give you hope, by the third day, he got the hang of where to wee…the poo thing took a bit longer, but we definately made head way.

  26. I am going to write a post about this today, but I’ll clear the air here as well:

    Eirinn, my 22 month old who went pee pee on the potty this weekend after asking to use the potty…she’s a big fat liar. She didn’t want to pee pee in the potty. Her only attraction to the potty is the books that are kept in the washroom to be read ONLY when she’s sitting on the potty. She knows this and asks to sit on the potty so she can have me read her these NEW! and TOTALLY AWESOME! potty books to her. The fact that a miniscule drop of urine escaped at that very moment that she was diaper-less sitting on the pot was a total coincidence and wouldn’t have happened if it were five minutes earlier or later.

    She’s a dirty trickster who got me all excited that she was ready to train, but she most definitely is not. I’m still hoping and praying that she will be ready by June so I won’t have two in diapers, but I won’t be surprised or disappointed if she isn’t.

    Jen O.’s last blog post..Lapses in memory

  27. I can feel your pain. Even when the Moosh gets this potty thing down there are still days you wonder “what happened?” My toddler has been trained for a while now & just the other day we had a “CODE BROWN”
    Oh the joys.. jump over & read my blog for a good laugh! Today I hope to replace the broken toilet seat!
    GOOD LUCK…

    mommybootcamp’s last blog post..CODE BROWN

  28. If it’s not one thing, it’s another!
    I fear the potty training, given that I am losing my mind with the regular old 19month old willfullness. Can’t wait until he’s peeing all over the bathroom floor, especially since my husband is incapable of seeing the pee crust HE leaves at the bottom of the toilet. Who will be on her hands and knees cleaning it all? ME!
    Gosh. I’m not in a bad mood today or anything.

    Must be Motherhood’s last blog post..Dear Mr. Billy Blanks,

  29. I am surprised that it only ended up on the floor once! My daughter spent one full week peeing wherever she was when she had to go (luckily it was summer and she was outside A LOT!) and then, she started to get it. The moosh is smart, she’ll get it soon. Oh and our rule was she could wear the pretty big girl underwear if she could keep the training undies dry. Oh yeah, and lots of candy and prizes…it was a regular carnival around here. “You can get these beautiful dollar store princess shoes for just five pees in the potty.”

    Erin’s last blog post..Home is where you make it

  30. All I have to say is, CONTROL BEGETS RESISTANCE!!! HA HA! Easier said then done to just let go. It really does happen when THEY are ready. They have their own opinion of things and how it should be done. Pick your battles and if there is NO eternal significance then who gives! My Peanut just woke up one day and it was all ok. As long as she isn’t wearing diapers in school then it will be ok. As far as what Kimmie said, AMEN!! It comes with a new bag of ISSUES! Mom wipe me, Did you wipe, Did you wash, Did you flush? Good luck with the Moosh!

    Carlzbad’s last blog post..Stiches

  31. Potty training my son was something I never complained about…because I had a 15 year old daughter at the time. There’s nothing like a 15 year old daughter to make you long for the days when your big problem was washing the sheets again.

    And yes, the more independent they are the harder it gets. And the time will come when an adult size version of your child is a weeping pile of frustration on the floor and again, you will wish the only problem was poopy underpants.

    Sorry this wasn’t terribly helpful, but this is why no one tells you. If we did, you would have kids!

    Amy’s last blog post..Nearly Wordless Wednesday – About Disney…

  32. I mean’t you “wouldn’t” have kids in the comment above.

    See what the teens do to your brain?

    Amy’s last blog post..Nearly Wordless Wednesday – About Disney…

  33. You obviously haven’t been reading my blog. You know, the blog where I whine and moan about what pains in the arses my kids are….

    Have fun with Moosh. She sounds like my type of gal.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Just A Mom

  34. i have no words of wisdom…just that it will be over soon. and yes, i’m totally with you on the frustration of independence. gah!

    and your new header is awesome.

    erin’s last blog post..a new definition

  35. Potty Training SUCKS – anyone who says their kid woke up and just started doing it is LYING. IMPOSSIBLE. There is not one good thing that can be said about it – the most painful thing I’ve had to endure yet (and that includes having a kid who screamed for 3 months straight).

    T.’s last blog post..It took about 72 hours.

  36. We just started “the training” yesterday. I had Doug sit on the potty all by himself without the diaper. He looked alarmed.

    Bethany’s last blog post..Sometimes I Forget that I am White

  37. Because I Said So.

    You should check out this lady’s blog that is titled that: mom2my6pack.blogspot.com.

    Tiffany’s last blog post..Antibiotics – 1 Infection – 0

  38. I decided I was going to send my kids to potty training boot camp but I couldn’t find one. Then it was all me! I left my daughter in pull ups for a few weeks. I was pregnant and could not handle messes, a little OCD. We almost called it quits a few times, then we read the advise in “What to expect the toddler years” that helped a lot. I keep her in pull ups at night for a few months. Pooping was a crappy disaster. She loved pooping during nap time in her panties and then playing with it. GROSS I almost moved out. Miraculously it all clicked just as the baby was born. I don’t look forward to it again. If anyone says it is easy, poop on them! Good luck. Oh yeah, we used lots of candy as rewards.

  39. ah yes.

    and let me tell you, it just doesn’t get better for a LONG while.
    🙂
    Best of luck.

    staciesmadness’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday…also W-In Day

  40. My first showed the signs of being ready. So I started training. This became a battle of wills. I stopped training and left her to figure it out and she did a few months later. She would not poop on the toilet for a little longer though. When she had to go she would get a pull up put it on and poop. I would then wipe her butt. One day she just went and did it on the toilet.
    I left it all up to the second. When she seemed to be ready I showed her, as well she had her older sister to watch. She figured it out with a little help and much less stress for me.
    My third is a boy, he showed some interest, I showed him the toilet. He peed on the toilet a couple of months ago, three times and that has been it. I’m leaving it to him too. He’ll figure it out one day.
    Being able to let them run around with out a diaper in the summer really helps too. He’s 27 months right now, if he hasn’t figured it out by the time our snow melts and it is warm enough to strip him down, that’s what I’ll be doing.
    Going to the bathroom is one of the few things that they can control, and control it they will if they feel a power struggle happening.
    As far as night goes, every kid is different. My oldest(six in march) still wets at night, her one year younger sister(5 in April) is dry every night unless she drinks to much before bed. The older one sleeps like the dead. The younger one will wake and get up in the middle of the night if she needs too.

    Don’t stress let it happen, is my advice that you didn’t ask for. I will agree though, potty training sucks!

  41. Over here, the very last thing we hear before the screaming flailing meltdown is “HELLLLLLP YOOUUUUUUUU!” which is Munchkin for ‘do you need mommy to help you?’ and her answer of ‘yes’ all rolled into one.

    Rant away, my friend. Rant away.

    mimi’s last blog post..WW: “Cahhhp-CAKE!”

  42. you are talking about me, aren’t you?
    i’m a toilet training nazi…would you like me to train the moosh for you??? and then you can come over and bake for me…because you do that WAY better than i. fair trade, no?

  43. I could write a whole book on how many different ways my daughter can fit “BUT WHY?” into her day…..kinda gets to ya after awhile huh?

    emily’s last blog post..Time for a good Flip & Tumble…Review and Giveaway!

  44. dude, potty training sucks. i’m so glad the daycare potty trained jake for us!

    i’ve heard http://www.3daypottytraining.com/ is a godsend…

    Biddy’s last blog post..did this a few weeks ago…

  45. You have all my sympathies! I potty trained two kids last year, one with special needs. It makes labor and delivery look easy. I’m serious – I would rather be in labor for 24 hours than to potty another child. But I’m lucky – I get to do another one this year. I’m not sure which is worse; having three kids in diapers or three using the toilet. But count your blessings. Boys are just gross – SO much worse!

    http://mickismenagerie.blogspot.com/2008/01/little-boys-are-gross.html

    Micki’s last blog post..Poor baby!

  46. Cold Turkey? Are you nuts? (well, we all know your nuts but that is besides the point) You are not alone! Potty Training is H E double hockey sticks here. She only uses the potty in public, not at home, and if she decides to use it at home it’s only while she’s in the bathtub and has to leave 5 gallons of water on the floor while getting out of the tub oh and if left unattended for 3.2 seconds? She uses an entire tube of toothpaste to wash her hands. The world is out to get me to 🙂

  47. Oh man.

    Hang in there. It gets better. Soon. I promise. In the meantime, keep making me laugh. You are a riot!

  48. I don’t write about it every day because my readers will either slit their wrists or stop reading.

    You didn’t know me when every post was about ****ting and pissing. That blog is private now…But if you want to feel normal, I’ll send you the password and you can see how I was….

    You are so not alone and you are right, if they aren’t writing about it at all, they are lying.

    And my uterus is grateful that I am keeping it empty otherwise, I may jump…I know it’s different because it’s my choice, but I have noticed all the preggos too…

    I feel exactly the way you do today!!!

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..Our newest story…

  49. I’m really loving the big-girl-panties header. Too Cute.

    Reese’s last blog post..Mmmmmmm.