So I don’t want to have to admit this, but given that I’ve kind of got a reputation for being honest and something about the truth setting me free…here goes.

I am having a hard time.

21 days

Not emotionally…as in PPD…in fact there have been many moments over the last few weeks were I have held a screaming baby at 3 am and thought “I’m so glad I’m properly medicated this time.

Yesterday was the first day I had to set her down and walk away. She was fed, she was clean, she was exhausted and very hard to please. Her name around these parts is sad baby, because sad she is.

There are a couple of moments during the day when she’s not sad. One of them being when she’s asleep (which isn’t all that often) and when she’s attached to my boob (which is so very, very often.) Don’t get me wrong, I love having her attached to my boob, I ADORE IT EVEN! But I still have the milk supply of a ferret meaning I have to supplement her somehow.

She decided long ago that she wasn’t having the SNS and syringe/cup feeding is also not her thing. So yes, I’ve been using bottles. It’s a very precise milky dance getting this baby fed. A sort of boob sandwich cocktail. Boob, bottle, boob. However today I joined the big leagues of team Low Milk Supply and added the Lact-Aid to my arsenal.

If you’ve ever used a Lact-Aid, or know someone who’s used a Lact-Aid then you’ll know that “Lact-Aid” is lactation speak for “Swear-Aid.” But alas, I want to nurse Vivi so badly that I am willing to do anything including taping tiny tubes full of milk to my nipples.

At this point (cover your ears lactivists) it’s not even about the health benefit, I’ve already raised one wicked smart and healthy progeny on formula alone. It’s not even about cost at this point either because I’m STILL having to buy formula on top of all these gadgets, herbs and medications (Speaking of medications, 9 pills three times a day with an additional two once a day. 29 pills. For serious. (For those of you nosy curious, fenugreek, More Milk Plus, Goat’s Rue and the one that starts with a D. I also have the tea.))

Nope, we’re to sheer willpower. I AM going to make this work. I AM going to get a full milk supply. I AM going to fill my baby’s belly all by myself and if not? I am going to move on to bottles knowing I did everything, EVERYTHING I could.

I have all the books. I obviously have all the supplements. I have all the gadgets. I have an IBCLC on speed dial, twitter and on email. I have an insane amount of knowledge of the human mammary system and I have a baby who latches like a champ, has the (relative) patience of a tiny baby saint and the lung capacity of Steven Tyler.

I thought keeping my house tidy while pregnant was hard, turns out it’s twice as hard while wearing a tiny baby with a fuzzy bobbly head, but the baby only sleeps when she’s being worn and I’m walking or when I’m sitting and she’s comfy.

I think she’s trying to tell me to kick back and relax. No one really needs clean underwear that bad.

Which is fiiiiiine. Her tinyness is a very limited time engagement.

reading with grandma.

But still. I’m very (mentally) tired. I lose it occasionally (sorry Cody.) I get a little short with Addie (sorry darling.) I sometimes heavy sigh at Vivi (it’s not you it’s me.)

Just because I waited so long for this little baby doesn’t make this stuff any easier, but it does make me appreciate it a little bit more because it’s just going so damn fast.


  1. Elizabeth says:

    Give yourself space, time, understanding and forgiveness. Just get through the first couple of months. Take it easy, don’t commit and don’t care about how you would normally do things. It all comes back in time.

  2. Say the word and I’ll head your way and gladly clean your house. Of course I would have to bring cookies from Paradise…or cupcakes from Flying Cupcake…or any other crazy awesome dessert. And maybe Hadley will tell you the story of “Booty Beast.” I’m pretty sure she means Beauty and the Beast…at least I hope so, considering she watched it at school today.
    I feel the need to send a care package. Heck, it might not be anything you like but presents are always good, right? Unless you think I might stalk you, in which case you’d better tell me you live in Bloomington. 🙂 send me your address when you get a chance. Lots of love to you. You’re doing awesome, even if you don’t feel like it. Vivi and Addie are blessed to have you as their mom.

  3. My wife had to do the capillary tube thing for a few days before her milk came in with our second because he was so big and needed so much more than she could give, and it was very difficult. I cannot imagine having to do that on an ongoing basis.

    I have to say, I think most people, regardless of emotional/mental predisposition, would have lost it by now, and the fact that you haven’t impresses me more than you know (which, we all know, is the REAL reason you wrote this post, I realize).

  4. Reading everything you’re trying just made me tired. I think I might need a nap now. But seriously, you are amazing. I know I would have given up long ago. And if it comes to that, I’m glad you know, your Vivi will still be a genius, just like her big sister. HUGS to you.

  5. oh my, this hits so close to home. love and understanding to you.

  6. Love to hear such honesty about the journey that is the first few months of motherhood. The medicated comment made me laugh because I battled some PPD with my twins, and if I ever have another baby I will be much more ready for that craziness. Found your blog through the Blog Indiana conference schedule. 🙂

  7. I hope that someday soon I get to experience the woes of motherhood. I know it can be frustrating at times and magical at other times. Congratulations on your tiny miracle!

  8. You are a mama warrior! That precious little bundle of preciousness is grateful for all your hard work, how lucky she is to have you for a mama!

  9. I’ve had the same problem when I gave birth to my son too! My body just didnt produce enough milk. And my son was always howling and crying because he wasn’t ever full. How much ever the docs and the nurses tell us not to feed baby any other milk other than mother’s milk, we just couldnt do it. We had to give him milk supplements. I understand what you are going through. Hang in there.