Eu falo Brazilian. (I speak Brazilian.)

  • Does it hurt?

Yes. Having hundreds of hairs ripped out by their roots all at once with hot wax? Yes. It hurts. But there is a reason I have done this twice. It hurts, but it is worth the pain. The pain is quick! and temporary (assuming your waxer knows what she’s doing.) The results are long lasting and (insert any choice of inappropriate innuendo type adjective here.)

  • Rate your pain in relation to childbirth.

No where near childbirth because you don’t leave stitched up and swollen with a side of hemorrhoids. You leave slightly tender with a spring in your step. I’m not kidding when I say your clothes fit better. But do try to avoid doing it the week before your period, it actually does hurt more then. (P.S. I actually enjoyed giving birth if that says anything. If they sold epidurals on the street I would buy one for all of my friends.)

  • What about when it grows back?

Did you ever shave your mono-brow in Jr. High like I did? Remember when it grew back in two days later thicker than your dad’s whiskers and then someone took pity enough on you to teach you how to tweeze? (Thanks sissy.) They take a really long time to grow back, and when they do they’re lighter and not as course because that little hair follicle had to start from the very beginning in order to pop back between your eyes. Same goes for curlies. When you have the little buggers yanked out by the root all at once those little follicles have to start all over again. Instead of blunt cutting your hair like a razor does (read, itch), waxing starts the process of hair growing all over again, therefore, no itch. (for me at least, maybe you’re an itchier person than I am.)

  • How long does it last?

Long enough that you forget what it’s like to have a bushel full of hair. Since hair grows in cycles, after your first wax it’s suggested you go back after 4-6 weeks to have the second string of hairs submit to the mercy of the wax. After your second time around you can go eight weeks without fearing a bathing suit. (Also, hair grows slower in the winter.) The Naked Monkey will tell you “do it twice and you’ll be sold.”

  • If you had the means to maintain it constantly, would you?

Yes. And I’d pay for all of my friends to maintain it constantly too. It just feels cleaner, your clothes fit better and um, yes, the whole making out part is quite lovely, on both accounts. Hooray for monogamy!

  • Isn’t a hairless (or nearly hairless) monkey kind of like admitting you want to have s@% with a prepubescent girl?

Valid question. But not so much in my opinion. No part an average woman’s body resembles that of a prepubescent girl. We have hips, we have curves, we have boobs. Last time I checked most every woman I know could out curve a prepubescent girl without any effort.

  • How much does your husband love it?

He’d love to answer you but he’s too busy blushing.

  • How many times do you get “ripped” before it’s over?

There’s probably about five big mama rips that will cause you to gasp and make a “WHOO HOO HOO” type sound. The whole process takes about 20-30 minutes with maybe only a minute consisting of actual ripping. I actually think that the tweezing of the strays hurts more (BTW, they tweeze the strays.)

  • Do they apply and “after waxing” cream/gel to cool things down?

Before I forget, wear loose pants to your appointment. Loose undies too, maybe borrow your husband’s boxers. Just sayin’. Yes, they’ll clean you of stray bits of wax, close your pores with a cooling spray and slather you up with an ingrown hair treatment. (The Naked Monkey uses Oprah’s obsession, Prince Reigns. (which I think is a really dumb name) Apparently for those prone to ingrowns it is a miracle. Tend Skin is another popular after wax goo.) If you are prone to ingrowns spend the extra money on an ingrown treatment, because zitty red whiteheady ingrowns down there? You looked better hairy.

  • Do you get all gussied up prior to the wax? Like cleaning before the cleaning lady comes over, so she doesn’t think you’re a slob?

Do a courtesy trim if you’re worried. But you will need about two weeks worth of hair growth for it to come out well. Shower as close to your appointment as possible and carry around a personal wipe if you’re really worried (You will generally be provided with one.) You don’t have to do any of this stuff, but I’m guessing it’s appreciated by the waxer, and if it calms your fears, wash away. I’d like to think the waxer takes the amount of hair you have as a personal challenge. Or not. Whatever.

  • Someone was telling me that using hard wax instead of using regular wax+strips is way less painful. Which do you use?

I don’t use either, I pay for someone else to use them on me. Heh. I’ve only had the wax and strips on the outer areas and the hard wax in the crannies. I prefer the hard because it doesn’t stick to your skin, just your hair. I think the strips are kind of stingy personally.

  • What’s the difference between a bikini and a Brazilian?

If I called you to go to the beach with me right now a bikini would be the maintenance you would do in order to wear your bathing suit without fear of escapees. Basically your inner thighs and outside pelvic area. A Brazilian is butt bare naked in and out, front and back. You can also leave a “landing strip” if you’d like, a little patch of hair just to remind you what used to be there.

  • How awkward is it?

Repeat after me, “The person who is about to do this to me does this for a living. If she thought the idea of waxing stranger’s lady parts was disgusting and offensive she would find a different line of work. She sees dozens of these a week.” Okay? But yes. WAAY awkward. You will be given a towel for your own benefit but it won’t be on you hardly at all. But they are just doing their job. So chat it up about movies, local restaurants, celebrity gossip. Because I can promise you it will be way more weird with silence. Thankfully there is also a code of ethics if you will amongst waxers, they will not discuss you, your parts or what you’ve had done to anyone. Not even your best friend. If you never tell anyone what you had done, you can be assured no one will ever know. The first waxer I had said she never even mentioned the fact that she did Brazilians because people are so ignorant about it. Amen.

  • What’s the healing time on that? Follicular torture and salt water? Not so much with the happy happy.

It will be strictly look only for 24 hours. And it will look bad. You’ll wonder why the heck you did that to yourself. There may even be blood. After 24 hours it will still be tender, but don’t neglect the exfoliation, otherwise you’ll have a whole new problem on your hands. Keep it clean, keep your drawers loose and BRING IT ON after about 48-72 hours. Not a worry until your next appointment (as long as you keep up with the exfoliation.) You’ll find yourself sitting in positions in your bathing suit you never thought possible.

  • Do they really wax your butt crack?

Yes. If you want them to. At The Naked Monkey they call it your “baboon.” (har!) I say go for it. You’ve made it this far, why go home with hair? You’ll either be asked to hold your leg up by your head or told to flip around on all fours. One yank and your baboon is done.


So there you go. How many of you are calling to make your appointment now? You should be. The main reason for doing doesn’t even have to be se*ual (take that google search.) It can be as simple as you spend your summer by the pool or are going on a week long tropical vacation and don’t want to be bothered with upkeep and itch. It can also be done simply because you don’t like the stuff down there. Dr. Oz said the main reason to have hair down there is to serve as a nest for your pheromones. Pardon me but that’s kind of icky, personally.