I think something is wrong.

Logic and the many people surrounding me tell me otherwise.

I am only one entity while the logic and people surrounding me are countless.

Who to believe?

I know who I want to believe, but I also know I’m the only one living in my body.

Logic says I have entered that mythical second trimester where the crippling symptoms of early pregnancy are magically lessened and I can actually begin enjoying myself without the constant need of a bucket and antiemetic drugs.

My body says otherwise. Or is that my brain saying otherwise?

I had this overwhelming feeling a week after my positive pregnancy test (okay, seven positive pregnancy tests) that there were only three ways this pregnancy could end, miscarriage, stillbirth or a baby. All of them come with their own pains and difficulties and there is no way to escape emotionally unscathed.

I have already begun to develop a shell around my heart. I haven’t heard a heartbeat, seen the flickering of life on an ultrasound screen or felt the tiny little bubbles of a baby moving inside of me. There is an odd comfort in this. Maybe I can trick myself into believing it was just the stomach flu and some serious bloat if something does go wrong.

15 weeks.

Or maybe this really is that second trimester myth coming true. Maybe there was no need to verbally berate my pregnancy app for asking me if I felt better two weeks ago. Maybe I am going to gain weight this time, maybe my ankles are going to swell and I am going to become the beached whale of pregnancy lore.

If I were to say the previous 276 words out loud right now they would be met with “I’m sure you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong, this is what is supposed to happen.” Chances are I wouldn’t even be able to get past the first 5 words before I was being comforted and cajoled with stories of other pregnancies that ceased with the sickness at 15 weeks and ended babies at 40, as if there’s no need to acknowledge all that can and quite often does go wrong.

I know I’m not alone in these fears and feelings. Whether it’s seeing my friends lose babies they wanted so badly, the residual anxiety of finally becoming pregnant after so long or just plain old worry, I actually have a visceral need to say them out loud without being cut short by optimism.

Don’t get me wrong, I love optimism, but I don’t love keeping my feelings to myself simply because they sound silly, ridiculous or illogical.

Comments

  1. Ahh, the feeling of saying something aloud because you need to- silly, ridiculous or otherwise. I know how that feels and how other people react to what you have said. But the first breath after you have said it is so good.

  2. I felt the same way until I was about 30 weeks. Then I felt relief because I knew that if something happened, the baby would be viable and stand a chance outside of me. By 36 weeks I was crying because they wouldn’t induce me yet! Try to relax and trust God. I know it is hard.

  3. I have never “been there.” But I did have to go to a funeral of a relative’s baby that was stillborn. And we did watch her go through a subsequent pregnancy. And I think that none of us surrounding her were able to relax until we were holding that newborn baby. Sometimes those shells serve a purpose.

  4. There is nothing ridiculous or silly about your fears. Nor is there anything wrong with verbalizing them. I wish your stomach peaceful sailing, your baby healthy growth, and you peace of mind. You look absolutely glowing in the picture.

  5. With my first, I actually found the afternoon nausea comforting because I thought it meant I was still pregnant and all was well. I get your fear. Now I’m done with pregnant, but waiting for tests for what are probably not-a-big-deal-health-problems but in my head have become something likely life-threatening. Started sobbing last night when I said that out loud to my husband — but then strangely felt better for having told him. Sending you prayers…

  6. You are very brave to admit it outloud, and much of me hopes this cancels it out, like you said it and now it (the something wrong things) can’t come true.

    My pregnancy with Ivy had intense feelings I never really shared because of Beth and her loss
    of the twins, but oh did that change my perspective and worries. It takes a lot of faith and belief that it’s going to be all right even if it’s not.

    Love you and that bebe,
    steph

  7. Hugs! I’m sorry, I had those feelings with both my pregnancies until they were born and then had the fears that something would happen to them their first year too. I’m praying for you. You look adorable by the way.

  8. I had those feelings too, and ended up miscarrying at 10 weeks. It was hard, but I’m OK…. I agree with Steph, it’s takes a lot of faith to believe it’s going to be all right, even if it’s not.

  9. I’m sorry that your brain and body are making you doubtful and fearful of your baby’s future, and I hope that you’re hardening yourself for nothing.

  10. You look great Casey! Don’t fret about what may or may not be. You haven’t been told by doctors that anything is wrong, have you? Until then, enjoy knowing that life is being created right there inside of you, and dream about little baby socks and the twee feet that fill them…

  11. I *knew* my first pregnancy was going to be fine and it was. With my second, I had a feeling of dread the whole time and found out at 12 weeks that the baby had died a month ago. Maybe God was preparing my heart? I know so many women who have had that fast and their

  12. I *knew* my first pregnancy was going to be fine and it was. With my second, I had a feeling of dread the whole time and found out at 12 weeks that the baby had died a month ago. Maybe God was preparing my heart? I know so many women who have had that fear and their baby was fine. Going yours is, too.

  13. Living on the other side of this… unfortunately the fears can be real. It’s good to say them out loud. Your chance of success is so, so high. I know you’re not looking for optimism, but I just have to say it. However, if your worst fears come true, eventually hope will emerge from that, too. I wish I had known that facing my worst fears wouldn’t destroy me.

  14. I have never had a miscarriage (praise God!) but even still, my second pregnancy was filled with a lot of fear for me. I didn’t have those feelings with my first pregnancy. I think because I KNEW how awesome it was to have a baby, I KNEW how fragile life was, and it was scary to imagine it ending. So when the dr couldn’t find a heartbeat at 12 weeks and I was sent for an early sonogram to see what was up, it was horrifying.

    Thankfully, it all ended well. But just those few hours of panic… pregnancy (and parenthood in general) is a big freaking huge leap of faith. Faith in our bodies, to know what to do. And given your history, I don’t blame you at all for not having complete faith in YOUR body. It’s okay to be scared and have doubts. You’re not being silly at all for saying it out loud!

    But dude. LOOK AT THAT BABY BUMP!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 hugs!!!

  15. LOOK AT YOU! Gosh, you’re even more adorable than before and I totally didn’t think that was possible.

    Ok, that’s done.

    Honestly, the start of the 2nd trimester was the scariest for me. I did feel better, but I hadn’t felt kicks. I was getting bigger, but mostly it looked like there was a spare tire around my waist rather than a cute, round belly. If you’re scared, go to the doctor. That’s what they are there for. Have them check the baby out to calm your fears. Don’t feel silly–they work for you. Take care of yourself and that sweet little one.

  16. I had a difficult time getting pregnant with my second also. I spent the whole pregnancy in worry mode! I think it was because I knew what could go wrong. (I was so clueless with my first.) I guess what I trying to say is that there are people out here that have felt what you are feeling and we are rooting for you. Hang in there!

  17. I felt the same way for the entirety of my second pregnancy (the 1st was a miscarriage). It was like I was holding my breath for 41 weeks. I’m here with an internet hug whenever you need one.

  18. I am holding you close in my thoughts, and as always not giving up on the hope for you.

  19. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings. And they are all okay. I understand them. Sending hugs.

  20. “…I actually have a visceral need to say them out loud without being cut short by optimism.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love optimism, but I don’t love keeping my feelings to myself simply because they sound silly, ridiculous or illogical.”

    I’ve never been pregnant, but boy do I understand this: there are some things so crazy-illogical (that I *know* are crazy-illogical) that I *have* to say out loud
    just to get the thoughts to stop. It’s really, really frustrating sometimes.

    Honestly, the whole idea of pregnancy – specifically the lack of control involved – absolutely does my control-freak-perfectionist head in: I’m so not used to situations that I can’t control at least somewhat.

    I won’t give you platitudes, but you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Sending much love. xoxo

  21. I hope everything is okay. I’ll remember you in my prayers and ask that no matter what he decides; you end up being okay.

  22. You’re allowed to be worried. It just makes you human, normal even. I mean, not that you’re not normal, but well you know what I mean.

    Pregnancy is scary. I’ve never been pregnant and I’m pre-emptively terrified. I think you’re having the most incredibly normal panic ever. Hopefully you’ll get some good news soon and can then enjoy the puking reprieve. Heaven knows you deserve a break.

  23. I hear you! Being pregnant with my daughter when I was 24/25 and being pregnant with my second child at 34, HUGE difference. Ignorance is truly bliss and that is how I felt the first go around. Don’t get me wrong, I worried, but not like this time. I now know too much and have seen too much, that it does worry me.

    Try not to worry. I know, easy for everyone else to say. You have a strong faith in God though, so use it. Rely on Him, trust in Him. I know it is hard. I know. When can you get to a doc? I know with the no insurance it is tricky. Seeing/hearing the heartbeat helped me so so much. I’m not 30 weeks and I can truly say that every appt., hearing that heartbeat, brings a wonderful relief.

    Remember each pregnancy is different. And girl, your belly is popping out, so as long as that keeps growing, you know something is going well!

  24. Oh, Casey. As much as I am hoping and praying for this pregnancy to become easier for you, I sure wish you had someone sitting on your couch right now ready and willing to listen to all your fears and concerns! Praying you find answers to your concerns, and a friend to just listen…

  25. Your honesty and courage are incredible.

    I had two miscarriages between my two boys. I had barely any nausea with any of my pregnancies, so when even THAT tiny bit went away at 9.5 weeks during my fourth pregnancy, I freaked out and called my doctor. I am grateful that she took me seriously and didn’t just blow me off with a “We heard the heartbeat 2 weeks ago, I’m sure you’re fine.” She said “I know you’re worried… come in and we’ll do an ultrasound.” Thankfully, everything was ok. But she never shrugged off my fears throughout my pregnancy (and I was scared every. single. day. of those 39 weeks and 5 days). Although she was always positive, she was never dismissive. It made a big difference to me. I didn’t need a cheerleader–I needed someone who let me cry, out of fear or remembrance or relief.

    Sometimes we work too hard to feel the way we think we’re “supposed” to feel. But it’s exhausting enough just to feel the way you DO feel! So never apologize or feel guilty for putting it out there. I think you’ll find most women to be like my doctor–positive, but not dismissive.

    Hope can sneak in through even the tiniest of cracks. God is with you no matter what. *hugs*

  26. Oh dear, I’m with you. I’m not pregnant but I can convince myself with much ease that there’s something wrong with my health. It’s called “panic” and it doesn’t have to make sense to feel real. Here’s to hoping you can enjoy your pregnancy without too much fear.

  27. I know this feeling well. With miscarriages in my past and being 13 weeks pregnant now, those moments of feeling great and energetic and not nauseous or needing to pee a lot only signal that “OMG something is wrong” feeling. There are no words of advice that anyone has ever given me that have made me feel better about it either. I think the only thing that helps is that I am a slight control freak and this is something I have no control over so I am just surrendering to that fact and going with it for now. I too have no connected with the baby yet out of fear that I may never meet him or her. I think it is a rational defense mechanism and one that a lot of us can relate to. Hang in there. Only 25 weeks to go…. (yes, it’s OK if you kick me for that part of the comment.)

  28. I know I felt this way about my pregnancies, and I merely had mad, crazy nausea. I think your feelings are totally legitimate. But more importantly, you are so damn cute with your baby bump!

  29. I have the exact same fears. I hate them. I’ve been able to feel the baby for a couple weeks now, and yesterday and this morning … nothing. I started to panic and thought of all the worst-case scenarios and then FINALLY felt movement this afternoon.

    I am a paranoid pessimistic mess during pregnancy and nothing anyone says will ever calm any of my fears.

    Here’s to a (live!) healthy baby at the end for both of us.

  30. Sometimes I wonder if my depression started way back after my first miscarriage. I didn’t allow myself to love either of the next two pregnancies…just in case. The second pregnancy was a miscarriage and the third pregnancy was eddie. I don’t think I will ever have a worry-free pregnancy even though people try to tell me differently.

    we are allowed “silly” feelings because they are anything but “silly” to us.

  31. I totally get the feeling, with both my girls i was soo sick even during labour i was throwing up, i threw up every 30 mins and with medications every 4 hours. With Jordan I was convinced it wasnt going to end well as i was never really sick, i was told threw my first two as i was so sick “sickness means a strong pregnancy” and all i could think of was this one wasnt!!! i even now still have the thoughts that he is going to leave us. i think its hormones and mommy worry. I have alot of anxiety about even now any of my children dying. hang in there!!! we are all here for you if something does go “wrong” and know that the baby was just too good! but i am sure everything is fine! ps. your a cute prego lady

  32. Man, I’m not going to tell you to stop worrying (futile and demeaning) but I will empathize with you about the suckfest that is constant worrying. I’m sorry.

  33. I’m part of a support group for women who have miscarried (for me, three times). The mantra is, “Faith Over Fear”. Obviously that doesn’t stop a miscarriage from happening, but it helps keep our heads up a bit. A friend of mine also quotes Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming”.

    I also have a friend who’s son passed away this June. I can’t keep my fears away, either.

    How come you haven’t seen/heard the heartbeat? Is it because of your lack of insurance? (sorry to be rude). If you didn’t know, you can rent a doppler for your pregnancy so you can hear the baby’s heartbeat at home.

    I hope, come May (or whenever your due date is), you have a perfectly healthy baby in your arms.

  34. My first pregnancy ended in miscarrying twins. During my second one I was terrified of losing him and then had a healthy boy. My third and last pregnancy involved a fever of 104 during the first 8 weeks and I spent the rest of the pregnancy terrified that something would be wrong with her and that I would lose her. I wish I would have spoken these fears out loud because maybe then I would have felt some relief and would have really been able to enjoy being pregnant. I don’t think there was a single wonderful pregnant day that was ever worry free. I regret that. I hope you feel some relief soon and that the heavy burden on your shoulders is lightened so that you can enjoy being pregnant without worry.

  35. The thing about parenting and loving so much and creating life and carrying that life is that from the very first moment, often logic flies out the window and is replaced by fear or what ifs.

    So I won’t tell you not to feel that way – I understand fear, and wrap myself in it often(much to my husband’s annoyance!).

    But I’m sending good thoughts to you and to that spectacular being hiding in that bump 🙂

  36. Luckily Marshall is really good at letting me get the this kind of stuff out. I’ll pass his email addy along to you if you want it! 🙂

    (P.S. You’re adorable in that pic.)

  37. I still feel like things could go terribly wrong, and I’m at 35 weeks now. Putting a voice to those fears is natural and needed, especially when you’ve seen tragedy happen to those you love. I don’t know why speaking it makes it seem less vile or scary, but I feel like it does. Because then the side of my brain that so desperately yearns for this to be a baby in the end can fight with my so-called illogical thoughts. I’m with you. And I love that baby belly you’ve got going there. You look great.

  38. Everything’s fine you’re okay blah blah blah blah.

    I heard the phrase “toddler SIDS” a few weeks ago and I can’t stop losing my mind.

    Karen Sugarpants Reply:

    @Backpacking Dad, really? Ugh. I lose my mind at things like that too.

  39. I think the way your brain is working is totally normal. I wish these brain things didn’t harden hearts tho. I’m sending all my love and great big belly lovin’. xo

  40. I spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy paranoid at every movement and non-movement that I almost went nuts.
    No one can tell you not to worry ’cause that’s not how women are built. We worry, just try not to let it take over.

  41. You know what? Nothing I say here is going to make that feeling go away. We each have our own ways of dealing with stress, and for you, pregnancy is a stress, so this is how you’re coping.

    For what it’s worth, personally, I think you’re going to be fine in the end.

  42. Better out, than in. Right! Hugs!

  43. Last night I said to Jeremy, “I wonder how I will tell the kids I’ve lost the baby”.

    I am terrified this time and I don’t know why.

    Yay 2nd Trimester? You have a cute bump, I just look fat.

    Here’s to our sweet babies that will be born ALIVE and well (and kicking and screaming and hungry) in May.

    xoxo

  44. Those fears are totally normal I think. At least they have been to me. Sometimes they are nothing and sometimes they are something. The only thing to do is have faith. Oh, and go see your doctor. When do you have your first ultrasound? Praying all is well and that you feel at peace soon.

  45. Every mother has fears, I think that is normal. Hang in there!

    I think at this point, there isn’t a darn thing you can do to change the outcome whatever it may be…therefore sit back, relax, and try to enjoy.

  46. Seven months. It took me seven months to believe i was really pregnant with Harrison. I didn’t buy a thing. I didn’t believe he’d make it, even with a photo on my fridge. Didn’t think of a name. Nothing. Seven months. Truly, nearly eight months.

    Take all the time you need Casey. Don’t let anyone push you or tell you otherwise. Your process is your own.

    One day, it will seem real. One day, that reality will hit you. Where you know with every fiber of your being that this baby is meant to be. If it’s not until Mozzi is born, that is okay too. He/She will still be fine and loved. I realized on that day that I let my heart open to my pregnancy, that I’d really already loved him for seven months. I just hadn’t been willing to let myself hear that. He’s now two and amazing. No damage, no foul.

  47. There is nothing silly or illogical about your fears. After your struggle to get where you are, it is only natural to be scared (or even terrified) when symptoms ease up. Hopefully soon you will have an appt and hear that heartbeat that will help ease the fears.

  48. Ahh, bless your heart. I’ve never had children, but hope to someday. I’ve seen two of my sisters-in-law go through miscarriages. It is not easy. I so hope that everything continues to go well for you and that you hear a strong and healthy heartbeat next appointment. Love that little spirit in you and pray for it! Good luck!

  49. I SO remember this, with my last two pregnancies. The first gave me my daughter, finally, so I was a little more confident the next go-round. But yes, especially after morning sickness dissipated, I remember this.